I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
