I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
