Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
