Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize