i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
