Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
