Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Randomize
