my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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