well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
