i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
