i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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