Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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