I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Drunk is not a location!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
