i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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