the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize