i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize