Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
be right there i have to get my cape
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
