The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
