Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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