My friends, they love my intelligence
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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