If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
