I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
