Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize