he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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