How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
