the condom got lost in my hair
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
