Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
