Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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