Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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