I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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