So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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