Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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