I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
