I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
