I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
