Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
