Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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