Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
