If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
