I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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