This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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