So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
