dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
