3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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