The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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