I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
