She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
