she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
