I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
