but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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