I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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