you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
