Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
