Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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