I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
