i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
