Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
