Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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