i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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