My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
